


No Going Back

by Alice in Stonyland (Raine_Wynd)



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-15
Updated: 1999-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 08:22:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raine_Wynd/pseuds/Alice%20in%20Stonyland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray Kowalski reflects on what he's lost. (My first dueSouth fic!) 1999/2000 dueSouth fanfiction Awards Second Place Winner: Best Story featuring Ray Kowalski</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Going Back

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to idyll, my partner in fanfic crime, for the online beta-read while I fretted over my first DS fic.

In the stillness of the early morning, Ray leaned against the sliding glass window in his living room and watched the rain as it fell in thin sheets. Somehow, it seemed fitting that he stood here, alone, remembering how his life used to be. He hadn't been able to sleep; the bed had suddenly seemed too big, too empty, and far too lonely. He'd found himself trying to rearrange the pillows so that it hadn't seemed that way, and when his actions had registered in his brain, he'd gotten up in disgust.

The sound of the rain could barely be heard through the glass. He was suddenly, painfully, hyperaware of his breathing, of the faint hum of the refrigerator as the motor kicked on, and of the beat of his heart.

His heart.

Stella, his soul whispered.

He swallowed convulsively, blinking back the tears he refused to admit to shedding.

For one wild moment in time, standing in her apartment, it had felt like they had never parted, like all the misunderstandings and differences that separated them had never happened. A part of Ray wanted that back. Unconsciously, his right hand curled into a fist and he raised it to pound it against the glass. At the last second, knowing he was capable of putting said fist right through the window, he released his fingers, splaying them against the glass instead.

He and Stella had been divorced for months now. By all rights, he knew he should be over it, but kissing Stella, holding her close again had brought all the old feelings back, the emotions he hadn't quite been able to let go. Instinctively he'd known she was right when she'd said they couldn't make love, knowing in the morning they'd have more regrets to add to the laundry list of things that hadn't been right in their relationship. Yet it hadn't stopped him from wanting to touch her again, to feel her bare skin pressed against his, to hear her breathless cries as she crested a wave of pleasure; nor had it stopped him from kissing her again. He swore softly as the memory of making love to her filled his mind, arousing him.

Love had seemed so simple, so long ago. He and Stella would live out the rest of their lives, together, like they'd once promised each other in a childhood vow. "Me and you together forever and ever, and no one will keep us apart," they'd sworn, even going so far as to make it a blood vow.

He half-laughed, remembering how he'd believed in that vow. Promises like that one had been so easy to make back then, and they'd been so naïve to believe that all they'd needed to make them work was their absolute faith in each other. They hadn't known that love took work. They'd trusted that their shared history was enough to make it through the rough times, that who they were as individuals would never change because they'd never really changed in all the years they'd known each other. They'd never once dreamed that they might grow apart, might become different people with nonparallel dreams and desires. Discovering that particular truth had been as shocking to Ray as being shot. He closed his eyes as a wave of bittersweet memories filled his mind.

She'd always been the one, the one he'd spun his deepest fantasies and dreams around, the one he'd always wanted. She'd been the first for so many things in his life; it was hard to imagine a time when she hadn't been right there to experience whatever life had thrown his way as it happened. She had been his lady, the one for whom he slew the assorted dragons of the world, and he'd thought that was what she would always be. It didn't seem right that their love had had to end. Yet it had, and he hadn't wanted to accept that hard truth. Like a child ordered to go to bed on time, he'd begged for one more chance, then had thrown a fit when he hadn't gotten his way.

He'd loved her like he'd loved no one else. Stella was everything that had been good and right in his world, the one person he trusted more than anyone. The hurt he felt at her leaving couldn't be put into words, but nothing had driven home the fact that she had left more than finding out that she was with someone else. That she was happy without him.

It wasn't supposed to work out that way. She was supposed to be as miserable as he was. She was supposed to be the one with the broken heart, not him. The worst part of it all was that he had no one left to turn to who understood him the way she had. What was he supposed to do when his best friend, his first real love, his childhood sweetheart had said that they were through?

Silently, he acknowledged he'd been obsessed with her, knew it hadn't been right to fool himself into believing that all he was doing was protecting her, the way he always had. He hadn't wanted to believe that she could and was going on without him; she'd certainly always been his anchor, the one person who had understood and supported him when the world had seemed against him. It had seemed inconceivable that she had built a life that didn't include him, especially since he knew she still cared about him. His world had been Stella; playing the hero for her had been the role he'd willingly accepted, and without her, his life had little to define it. The yawning chasm of emptiness and loneliness that loomed ahead of him had seemed insurmountable to cross, and he hadn't wanted to face it. He'd been with her for so long, he had nothing to fall back on to use as a basis for being without her.

Ray sighed deeply and opened his eyes. There was nothing to be gained by mooning over her any more than he already had. He had to find the strength to move on, to accept that what he wanted — a relationship with Stella like they had once shared — could not be and would never be. He'd crossed a line when he'd spied on her, even if it had ended up saving her life and exposed her boyfriend to be a fraud. He'd seen the recrimination in her eyes, the look that had asked him what the hell had he been thinking.

He snorted, too well aware that he hadn't been thinking. He'd just reacted, shutting his mind to the consequences, trusting that he'd be able to talk his way out of any trouble that he encountered. He'd always been more inclined to action than not. Now, in hindsight, he knew that he'd risked far more than he'd intended. His behavior towards Stella could've cost him his career, and being a cop was all that he had left. He couldn't screw that up; too many people were counting on him to do the right thing.

For a moment, he wished he could go back in time and fix what went wrong. He stared out at the rain and shook his head at his foolishness. There was no going back now; Stella had changed and so had he. They weren't the same people who'd played house in what seemed a million lifetimes ago; she had a thriving career, and no matter what he said, she wouldn't be the woman he'd once dreamed of bearing his children. He had to move on, even though it felt like someone had removed a section of his heart without the benefit of an anesthetic. If staying away from her was the only thing he could do to make Stella happy, he'd do it. He knew he'd always love her in the part of his heart that he'd reserved for her back when they were just kids.

It didn't mean, though, that he had to like it.

*** Finis ****


End file.
